Approach is EVERYTHING when it comes to conflict & triggers.
I have spoken about this a great deal over the past year within my teachings & feel called to share with a wider audience🙏🏼
Before I go further, let me first let you know that although I TRY my very best to apply my theory, of course I fail sometimes. I speak these words of guidance from a state of admitted imperfection🥰
However, the more healing I have done, the more I can see with clarity that which still lives unhealed within me. I can sense the wounds & I am generally gifted some understanding of where they come from. This deeper understanding of my own wounds, enables me to become more of an observer, and able to see a trigger as an opprtunity to heal.
It might be worth noting, that we humans, are the walking wounded. We walk with scars, we carry burdens, emotions & pains. Some from our many life experiences, some ancestral and some even past life. We generally haven't been guided too well on dealing with & healing our traumas, much wisdom has been lost, and thus often we end up (re)acting FROM our wounds.
When we feel triggered by something/someone, that is - we feel activated with upset or anger for example - how do we react... or respond?
To me, reaction & response are very different. Reaction to a trigger feels to be without much, if any, consideration, oftentimes in the age-old and familiar "defend and attack" mode. Response to a trigger feels to be a more considered approach. One fuelled with awareness.
Consideration is so important when met with a trigger. Pausing to ask ourselves, what is this feeling/emotion? Where does it come from? Have I felt it before? And if so, When? Is this the real emotion I feel, or is there something more raw, underneath? Something I might be unconsciously ignoring?
Ideally we would also be mindful of the other person, recognising that perhaps too, their own words and actions come from
a wounded place.
So how can we become more conscious human beings? Conscious of our own "stuff", as well as that which lives within others? This conscious state can enable us to act with compassion, empathy, honesty and love. Imagine that world for a moment. Not that we were all healed, but that we all were conscious enough to SEE with clarity, and thus compassion and love was our default.
In truth, we can ONLY control our own words & actions. But this is a GREAT place to start. So often in conflict we fight fire with fire... for example if someone lets us know we have done something wrong (in their eyes) the commonplace wound of "im not good enough" will be triggered. And lets face it, no one likes to feel as though they are lacking, and more importantly they don't like to be told, in fury. We will often defend... and even attack.
So does this mean we should keep quiet when we feel let down or upset about something/someone?
This is where approach comes in.
Even the toughest things can be approached with love. Ideally, before acting we would consider our own wounds that might have been triggered, and where they might come from.
And then attempt with this 3-parter which has been referred to as the updated sh*t sandwich!
1) Begin with something love-fuelled, perhaps something we are grateful for within them.
(Starting with a negative is immediately triggering! - a recipe for disaster)
2) Take responsibility. EVEN when we don't feel we should. Responsibility of our feelings/emotions, and perhaps showing understanding of the wound that might have been triggered within us.
3) Speak our truth. Say how we feel. While standing strong in our power.
Of course we cannot control another, but we can control OUR words & actions. And lead by our sweet example.